I am a zombie. I am a shell of who I once was.
I cannot sleep without seeing him. Sleep used to be the only peace I could find. I was doing so well. But he found his way through the cracks, and now has trickled into my dreams. It’s not even a trickle anymore. The past few days were trickles of dreams, enough to shake me but I could still sleep. Last night was the second night of the tsunami of nightmares.
Every time I sleep, all I see is blue. I hear his voice, I can feel him. I see his blue eyes. They’re as blue as a clear sky. He’s there but he really isn’t. I’m reliving all the memories, I’m reliving losing him all over again. I live through everything from start to finish. Every kiss, every touch, every word and every tear.
I curl into a ball and cling onto my pillows begging for an escape.
1am, 1:30am, 2:15am, 3am, 4am, 5am and 6am.
I am so unbelievably tired. It’s like he’s a ghost. I’m being haunted by memories. I’m being haunted by heartbreak, loss, love and anger.
I don’t know what to do.
If I sleep, I get peace in being able to see him and talk, but then wake up in a sweat, hyperventilating and crying.
If I don’t sleep, I’m plagued by thoughts and I’m so desperately tired that I fall asleep anyway.
Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.