A letter for all the people that have come into my life, and left me with a gaping hole in my chest. This is for you.
I’ve never been able to express the psychological damage that I have received over the years. I’ve never been good at verbalising my feelings. I do know that I am good with writing. This is my form of therapy. I can’t keep avoiding or else i’ll never be able to heal. I’ve always had this feeling that I could never fit in or really get close. My whole life I felt as if I wasn’t good enough or appreciated. I struggled to let people close to me, in fear that I would be left with a broken heart. Which in my case, happened with pretty much everyone. But I have a segment for each person. To close that chapter of my life and move on to my next.
To The Best Friend I Wasn’t Good Enough For,
I’m sorry that I wasn’t picture perfect. I tried my best. I would always listen and be there for you in a heartbeat. I am so fond of the positive memories I made, the laughs we had and endless nights of childish fun. However, I am also so burnt beyond repair because I wasn’t ever good enough.
Throughout our entire friendship I was always thrown to the side whenever it suited. It was a friendship that was there when it suited you. I wanted nothing more than to be able to have the friendship you had with all the other girls, and somehow no matter what, I never could. I was easily disposed of. I was a constant rag doll, a pawn for your entertainment.
It may not feel that way for you, but that’s how it was for me. You don’t get to tell someone how they feel when you hurt them. The truth of the matter is, you did hurt me. It’s been years….Y E A R S of psychological treatment. I have panic attacks, I cry myself to sleep… all because I wonder what made me not good enough? I’ve never been able to build courage to make new friends or let someone close enough to have a good friendship because I have this extreme fear of being left behind. Again.
I don’t know what the future will hold, but I need to close this chapter. I need to stop the hurt, the resentment and the fear or else I’ll never be able to move forward. Thank you for teaching me that I deserve better and making me a better friend to never do that to someone else.
To The Man Who Ruined My Dreams,
You promised me the world and had me completely wrapped around your finger. I believed every single lie that came out of your mouth. I clung to every word you said, and would hold those “I love you”s close. I had given up the chance of a good life, when I decided to have that family with you. You continued to spin lies. You continued to kiss me, touch me, say those damned words all while your heart wasn’t in it.
Your son was 6 months old when you left. You broke off the engagement over the phone. The day before my 21st birthday. You were the only person I let close enough to my heart after everyone else left. And you followed in their footsteps.
All my hopes and dreams were shattered from that moment onward. I was left with nothing but a broken heart, a broken home and a child that didn’t deserve this life. I’m now forced to devote my life to a child that should have been ours to raise. I’m so unbelievably damaged. I have no desire to every have any relation with another male after you.
Thanks for all the sleepless nights. Thanks for all the tears. Thanks for all of the panic attacks, dread and hatred that now cloud my everyday life. I hope that you never lie to another woman, or ruin her life like you did mine.
I can say thank you for a lot of things, but thanks mostly for creating a beautiful baby. And thanks for teaching me this lesson to teach to my son.
These two letters are the start of the process, but the two who I needed to get a grip on first. I’m sure there will be more closures, but I don’t know if I’ll post them. But I know I’ll post something again soon.
Goodbye for now,
Ash
Haysel 