How can I be so sure that this is the real thing? how can I know for sure that your heart is in it for good.

I’ve spent the last year drowning. The water is calm, I’ve broken the surface, I’m floating and breathing. But I can’t help the fear of impending doom. I can’t help but brace for impact, for the fear there’s another wave that’s going to take everything out from underneath me again.

Unpredictability is the worst.

I’m unsure how something so fragile can survive, when everything in life is so against it. I just want to be accepted. I want to be a better person, and I want to have my family together. It’s all I’ve ever wanted but can it ever be?

I’m never going to be accepted, so how is a family going to work? Together but still apart? How can you rebuild healthy foundations, when the foundations are built on unsupportive grounds.

It’s a recipe to fall apart, and it’s what happened last time.

Family is everything, and so is acceptance.

I love you, with every fibre of my being. It’s the strongest emotion I’ve ever felt, and I know I love you unconditionally and will for the rest of my life. But how can I know you reciprocate that?

The fear of the unknown, the damage that is irreversible, and people wishing I wasn’t around. Tell me how can we survive?

I feel like I’m back in November 2017. Except now my baby is stuck in the middle of it.

I love you. But do you feel the same back? Honestly and truly?

If you do, prove it. Actions speak louder than words.

– Ashley


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